A Journal Entry
Lately I am finding it harder than ever to stay in trust. Trust I will be ok mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. Trust my dreams can and will come to fruition. Trust the pain will pass. Trust the world will open back up. Trust that I am right where I am supposed to be and that everything I am feeling now is teaching me and preparing me for bigger things.
My dream is to be a working actor. To be able to tell stories and connect on screen. This excites me more than anything. It's what I think about every day. I audition often. Just about at least once a week and sometimes up to 6 times a week. I drop everything I am doing, do my research, learn the dialogue and navigate where I think the particular character comes from, what they're dilemma is and what they want and attach my own emotion and meaning to them and the story. I tear apart my living room and set up lights and a camera. I get up early or stay up late getting my hair and makeup in order, hit record and pour my heart out. Next I edit the scenes together and hit send on my laptop. I forget about it and get back to whatever it was I was originally focused on or immediately get back to work on another audition for another show or movie. This is the job of an actor. Oh, and we don't get paid unless we book the job. I have not booked a job in 20 months. Over a year and a half, yes!
Lately I have been really struggling with my physical health and my mental and emotional health. This lifestyle is hard. I have often thought about quitting acting even though I knew deep down I wouldn't. I often think "I can't keep doing this and I can't keep feeling so lost and out of control." I like to ask the universe for signs and answers to my questions. Two days ago I was hanging out the window of my buildings laundry room waiting for my load to finish. I was breathing in the rainy air, crying and asking for a sign that i will be ok. "Please show me something and let me know I will be ok." I got my first audition request for the new year and I really imagined calling my agent and saying, I think I'm done! Fast forward to today, I am out for a walk crying again, I get a call from my agent saying, "How would you like to get back on set and work on **** (its a secret) ??? You booked the role of ****
Thank you universe :)
I would love to also share that on a few other separate occasions, I have been in similar emotional states and asked for a sign that I am doing the right thing. "Is acting even for me?" A day or two later I got my first ever fan message via instagram from the kindest french soul saying " I am your biggest fan."
This past summer while journalling I wrote, "Please show me a sign if acting is still for me or if I should focus my energy towards something else." A day or two later, another instagram message from a gentleman saying, "I saw you in ...., you were luminous. I can't wait to see what's next for you."
Stay in trust my friends. There is always another side.
Xx Bree